Tiger Woods. Lying Douche or Golf Champion? Yes

"I am a total dick"
“I am a total dick”

One thing is becoming painfully clear about the “new” Tiger Woods. He’s still the same old douchebag.

Not that it should surprise anyone, but Woods latest foray into douchiness happened on Saturday, a day before his 78th PGA Tour win at The Players Championship.

Woods was playing with the King of the Modern Chokers Sergio Garcia. On the 2nd hole, Garcia bitched and moaned that Tiger distracted him during his backswing on his second shot. Sergio claims Woods pulled a club at an inopportune time, and the crowd’s cheering caused him to hit a poor 3-wood.

After the round and hearing Sergio’s whining, Woods told an AP reporter:

“The marshals, they told me he already hit, so I pulled a club and was getting ready to play my shot.”

Except he didn’t. Head marshal at the time was John North, who told Sports Illustrated:

“Nothing was said to us and we certainly said nothing to him. I was disappointed to hear him make those remarks. We’re there to help the players and enhance the experience of the fans. He was saying what was good for him. It lacked character.”

It lacked character. That’s weird. Who would believe that a man who cheated on his Swedish swimsuit model wife with porn stars and hookers would lack character?

Tiger Finds Happiness. You Can Sleep Again

These were totally spontaneous
These were totally spontaneous

Tiger Woods is dating champion skier Lindsey Vonn.   As all couples should, Woods announced his new squeeze on Twitter and Facebook.

First I would like to congratulate the new Tiger for cementing his status as a white person. He didn’t even try meet the black community half-way. I’m sure he could have put in a few months with Lucy Lu, or perhaps maybe even made some calls to Halle Berry’s agent. But alas Halle, you are WAAAAYYYY to ethnic for Tiger. So Eldrick stays the course.

The real stumper here is how did Lindsay Vonn arrive at the decision to engage in a committed relationship with Tiger? You would think questions were asked before coming to a decision. Such as:

“I read when you were married to a Swedish model, you used to cheat on her with coffee shop waitresses, porn stars, and whores. How do I sign up for some of that?”
“Should I count on getting hepatitis?”
“When do I get to meet your ex-wife? You know the one who looks a lot like me? Because that’s not creepy at all.”

I wish the new happy couple all the best. I’m hoping they get married, have a couple of kids, then around 10 years from now, she’ll walk in on him banging a handful of Walmart greeters. Mazel Tov!

Tiger Shoots New Commerical. Doesn’t Wrap On Set Either

It still burns when I pee

If you had any doubt that Tiger Woods would be back, those thoughts should be erased today.  The omnipresent TMZ says Tiger shot is first Nike commercial since he banged everybody in the world on Thursday.  The shoot took place near his home in Florida, and TMZ says he was in-and-out in no time.  That’s what she said.  And insert “Just Do It” jokes here.

It got me thinking.  With the mass exodus of Tiger’s sponsors, who going to fill the void?

1. Valtrex.  I just would love to see him talking about his outbreaks in the media tent of a golf tournament.  And I think his black golf bag would look great with a Valtrex logo.

2. Passages Recovery Center.  Tiger can detail his 12-steps to complete douchbaggery.

3. Trojan.  Seems like a no-brainer.  Except he doesn’t use the product.

4. Larry H. Parker.  He’s going to need a good attorney when Elin is done with him.

5. Bunny Ranch.  Buy 10 hookers, get the 11th free.

Tiger Woods Cheats Again. This Time On His Caddy

Not her! You'll have to go to the clinic.

Poor Steve Williams.  Tiger’s club bitch is upset that his boss kept him in the dark about all the Perkins waitress, porn stars, hostesses, and hookers he was banging.  Boo hoo.

Williams, a noted bully and complete douche bag, told a a New Zealand T.V. station, ” I’m a straight-up sort of person.  If I had known something was going on, the whistle would have been blown.”  Such betrayal!  Williams’ wife went on to claim that the couple are close with the soon-to-be-split Woods family, and there’s no way that Steve could have known, ” The four of us are so close,” she said. “He couldn’t know and not say something to Elin or myself.”  Sure honey, you keep believing that.  And all those creationists are right too.  The dinosaurs lived right alongside man ten thousand years ago.

I’ll give Williams credit.  He isn’t stupid.  Just by conservative estimates, Stevie makes upwards of a million dollars a year just on Tiger’s tournament winnings.  That doesn’t even crack the ice on the bonuses and endorsements he must earn. Tiger is the gravy train, and you don’t bite the hand that feeds.  So Stevie plays dumb about all the whores, Tiger comes back, and the money keeps on flowing.

Tiger will go back to catting around, and Stevie will still bully and yell at the very fans paying his salary.  And continue to get the teeth whitening he and Tiger seem to love.

Tiger Pill Popping? What’s Next? Addicted To Coffee Enemas?

First, he can’t stop having sex with porn stars bareback.   The porn star sex I’m all for.  Without protection, it’s just plain nauseating.

Now, he’s gone Rush Limbaugh on us.  The Enquirer is reporting that Tiger says a lot of his sex problems stem from impaired judgement caused by addiction to painkillers and Ambien.

Well look at that!  The big strong Tiger sure knows how to play the victim card.   What’s next?  The reason he’s misses putts at the Masters because he’s so distraught by the earthquake in Haiti?  Look, I understand that addiction is a terrible disease.   It destroys lives and families.  But between the sex addiction and this story, it reeks of a PR firm trying to turn the story away from Tiger as the bad guy, and into the victim role.

And normally wouldn’t post an Enquirer story, but they’ll probably win the Pulitzer this year for the John Edwards story.  So for now, they get the benefit of the doubt.

I'm all itchy!

Tiger Woods: It’s none of your business. Now continue to buy my stuff.

Douchemaster General Speaks

If you missed the 13 1/2 minute Tiger Woods PR meeting this morning, I’ll save you the trouble.  Below are the highlights, along with handy translations for those of you who don’t speak fluent bullsh*t.

Tiger:  “I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.”

Translation: “F*ck.  I got caught.”

Tiger: “As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time.”

Trans.: “F*ck.  This is going to cost me a sh*tload of cash.  How much do billionaires pay in alimony?”

Tiger:  “There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever.  Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.”

Trans.: “Elin, I promsie that hepatitis B isn’t that bad. ”

Tiger: ” I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply.”

Trans.: “I still think that shagging porn stars without a condom is a great idea.  What could go wrong?”

Tiger: “I don’t get to play by different rules.”

Trans.: “Of course I do.  I’m rich.  Is the the guy in the blue shirt looking me in the eye?  I’ll have him killed later.”

Tiger: “Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology.”

Trans.: “Tiger Woods kids apparel now 30% off.  Buy it.”

Tiger: “For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing.”

Trans.: “There it is — the victim card bitches!  I’m sick.  I need help.  These PR guys are damn smart.   I’ll be back banging Denny’s waitresses by June.”

Tiger: “I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age.”

Trans.:  “PR a-holes told me I had to play the religion card too.  Problem is this room is full of white people.  Bet 90% think Buddha is the low fat version of General Tso’s Chicken.”

Tiger: “I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.”

Trans.: “Coming back April 6th for the Masters.  I’ll be cured by then.  Or at least will have taken enough penicillin to make it stop burning when I pee.”

Tiger: “I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life.”

Trans.: “Don’t get cute.  You’ll all be licking my ass again.”

Tiger:  “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.”

Trans.:  “I ask you to find room in your heart … to buy all the crap with my logo on it.  After Elin gets $300M, and I pay off all these hookers, I’ll need the cash.”